We Don't Get Smart Here
by Julia451
Summary: A one-shot about the rivalry between Max and Siegfried and my theory on why Siegfried is so nasty to Shtarker, considering the timing of when the two started working together. Inspired by Bernie Koppell's dvd episode commentary.


"Shtarker... ve don't 'oops' here!"

"Sorry, Siegfried!"

While his new henchman began cleaning up the wine and shards of glass from the desk, Siegfried considered going back and telling his bosses he'd prefer if they just killed him. He'd been fully expecting it anyway after his abysmal mistake with Smart had lost them their highest infiltration in the U.S. government – in KAOS, your first failure was always your last – and had been stunned when they'd only fired him. He never understood how he'd gotten off so easily until they called him back in and rehired him. According to them, KAOS had given him such a light punishment as a precaution – he still had the best record of success against agent Maxwell Smart, and they let him live just in case they might need him again later, or so they told him.

Siegfried certainly couldn't deny that his arch nemesis had caused KAOS a lot of trouble since he'd been let go. Smart had caused Le Moco his first failed assassination, saved Herman Heinschmidt's daughter, exposed the Jericho Construction Company, foiled the plot to bomb Jet Space Laboratories, and lost them Professor Chain and his new rocket fuel formula. That last disaster had cost Siegfried's replacement Boris and his nephew their lives, prompting KAOS to offer him his old position again.

At first, Siegfried had been thrilled to return to where he could get even with Smart for humiliating him by infiltrating KAOS right under his nose. Well, two could play at that game! Being recently fired gave him the perfect opportunity to launch his own fake defector scheme; it would make it easy for CONTROL to believe that he was fed up with his treatment by KAOS and eager to get revenge. His superiors had agreed and given him the green light for his plan but with one catch: since he'd proven incapable of handling things on his own, they'd assigned him a permanent assistant to help him out. Ever since then, his trigger finger had never itched so much.

His reverie was interrupted by the buzzing of the intercom. He pressed the button and said, "_Ja_?"

"The cargo manifest on the next antiquities shipment has just arrived, Herr Siegfried."

"Good, bring it in, _schnell_!" Shtarker turned his chair around to the door when Lily came in. "Shtarker, I'd like you to meet Lily, my personal secretary."

Shtarker looked her up and down as all men did and said, "Hello-o-o-o-o-o..."

Siegfried rolled his eyes again. "Shtarker... ve don't 'Hello-o-o-o-o-o' here!" He banged his fist on the desk before taking the file from Lily and waving her out of the room.

"_Ja_, Siegfried!" Shtarker said quickly.

Of all the sidekicks KAOS could have stuck him with! They couldn't have given him a clearer sign that they were still bitter over his last failure. How had he ever sunk so low? Just a year ago, he had been one of the best agents in the entire organization. He had finally worked his way up to a vice-presidency; he was on track to become a chief. When had all that changed?

He didn't have to look far for the answer. It all started when he became interested in the strange reports of CONTROL Agent 86. Just about everyone in KAOS had come to know his name and face. He seemed to be both the world's most incompetent and the world's most successful secret agent simultaneously, the biggest idiot CONTROL had on their payroll and yet the biggest nuisance KAOS had ever dealt with. He was completely unpredictable – nobody had been able to determine how he foiled their plots; his methods, his strengths, and his weaknesses were all incomprehensible mysteries. How could a man who fell for the old it's-a-costume-party trick and couldn't even tell his suicide pill from an explosive pellet uncover Richelieu's smuggling operation and steal their most advanced robot?

The enemy spy's inexplicable victories made Siegfried curious. What was the secret to his bizarre success? For a while, he belonged to the faction that theorized it was all an act – that this Agent 86, or Maxwell Smart, pretended to be a bumbling fool to throw his enemies off guard. When it became impossible to think anyone would take the risks he did, however, just to maintain a cover, Siegfried grew to favor the opposite but more popular theory – that he was a decoy used to draw attention away from the real senior field agent responsible for CONTROL's successes, most likely his partner Agent 99, but that didn't add up when one looked at all their cases, either. He was quite the puzzle, this Maxwell Smart – a very frustrating one for all KAOS agents who came up against him.

As Siegfried heard more about his exploits, he became eager to meet the man who had singlehandedly caused KAOS more grief than all other CONTROL agents combined, to see what he was really made of, to find out if the outlandish and seemingly contradictory rumors were true. Thanks to his rank and admirable record at the time, he easily obtained a transfer to the United States and a post in the Washington, D.C. region to carry out a plan to kidnap the chief of CONTROL. As much fun as that challenging mission was, as useful as it would have been to get the X-11 out of it, his primary goal was the first demand he made the first time he spoke to Maxwell Smart: _"I would like to meet with you."_

He expected that first encounter to be interesting; he didn't expect their first battle to escalate the way it did. It turned into the most ambitious hostage situation KAOS had ever known, and Siegfried enjoyed every minute of it. One thing he was sure of – Smart was unlike any spy he had ever fought before; it was exciting, having such an eccentric opponent. Siegfried supposed it even proved a net gain for him in the end; capturing so many CONTROL agents considerably boosted his reputation – he doubted anyone would break that record for a long time.

But something continued to bother him and made him restless and uneasy even after it was over. It wasn't fear of retribution; in fact, Siegfried had been commended for how well he'd handled the situation. Under the circumstances, CONTROL could very easily have wiped them out for good; instead, KAOS was no worse off when it was over than they were when it started... but neither was CONTROL, and _that_ was the problem. His first contest with Smart had ended in a tie. There was no satisfaction in that. It left him eager for a rematch.

Unsurprisingly, it came when he was least expecting it. Smart wasn't even on his radar at the time but burst onto it (literally) while he was away at sea, busy captaining a submarine in the region's vast piracy network. He couldn't hide how glad he was to meet him again so they could finish their game. There would be a winner this time, and Siegfried had no doubt who it would be – they were on his territory, and he was in complete control. Although Smart's arrival had been a surprise, he couldn't have asked for better conditions for their next meeting... or so he thought. He was so sure of his victory, he let his guard down, letting Smart and his partner get the better of him.

Well, he got his wish – the tie was broken, with him the loser. It was the most devastating defeat Siegfried had ever suffered since joining KAOS – the island's defenses breached, their supercomputer destroyed,, the U.S. destroyer escaped, his sub taken, all his men captured, and the entire piracy operation broken after an undefeated record all because of his failure. By the time the two CONTROL agents' back up arrived, he was almost choking with rage. To be beaten by a fool stupid enough to accidentally get on the wrong submarine was too much! He vowed he would make Smart would pay for this! It was then and there that he officially declared them Arch Enemies!

It was about time he had his own arch enemy, after all. He was one of the few agents who had never found one. He didn't play favorites – he hated all his enemies equally and tried his best to kill all of them equally. But Smart stood out from the crowd. Battles with him were always the most fun; you never knew what twist he would throw at you. Siegfried admired how he was almost always able to snatch an impossible victory from the most dire situation at the very last second. Almost. As the game went on, Siegfried won some rounds, and Smart won some rounds. One day, Siegfried would successfully kidnap the scientist CONTROL was trying to smuggle to safety; the next, Smart would manage to stop KAOS from getting the code for the new attack sub.

It was fun, but Siegfried would have enjoyed it more if Smart wasn't always in the lead. No matter how many battles Siegfried won, it was clear Smart was winning the war. The more he lost, the more impatient Siegfried got with the morons he was forced to work with until he was losing his temper every 2 hours. How was he supposed to beat Smart with an organization of such _dummkopfs_ behind him? It was too bad Smart hadn't joined KAOS instead of CONTROL – with all the trouble he caused CONTROL already, it was easy to imagine how much damage he could have done if he was on their side instead! KAOS needed more men like Smart, not the completely incompetent bunglers he kept capturing! Siegfried was the only one who was a match for him.

Neither Siegfried nor anyone else could ever get the better of Smart for long. Finally, Siegfried decided he'd had enough of this game. After one too many frustrating defeats, he resolved to rid himself of the nuisance Maxwell Smart once and for all. Siegfried was done playing around – he just wanted the man dead. He obtained authorization to put out a $250,000.00 reward for the assassination of CONTROL Agent 86. Smart was always lucky, but with the hoards of killers that price would undoubtedly send after him, surely _one_ of them would manage to get the job done! The odds were entirely against Smart this time.

Siegfried found he wasn't the least bit surprised that his ploy failed, even after he doubled the reward; Smart was infamous for defying the odds. He was even more surprised to find that he didn't mind; he was glad the game wasn't over. But maybe it was time to change strategies. His repeated attempts to kill Smart had gotten him nowhere. Well, as Americans said, if you can't beat them, join them. He wouldn't kill Smart; he would get Smart to join KAOS.

He was sure it would be easy; even the most naïve heroes who started out with high and lofty ideals about protecting the world from evil eventually learned from experience that idealism wasn't worth anything. Deep down, all so-called heroes longed to join the more profitable side of evil – they just needed a good excuse. Smart had the perfect one when Dietrich succeeded in getting CONTROL defunded and shut down. Siegfried didn't even wait for the announcement to finish before he switched off his radio and started sealing the letter he'd written weeks ago. He knew that Smart loved the world of espionage and the work of a spy too much to give it up; he'd jump at the chance – _any_ chance – to stay a part of it, no matter which side he was on. Besides, it paid so much better. This was what he told his superiors to get permission to send the invitation he'd already sent (they wouldn't have understood that they had no time to waste). There were concerns about Smart, if he did accept, being a double agent, but Siegfried assured them that he knew his arch enemy and good friend too well to be fooled – he would know if he was trying to trick them. They conceded but promised to keep a close eye on the two of them and made it clear whose head would roll if this backfired.

How _did_ it backfire so badly? How had he let Smart dupe him like that? He had trusted him completely. He had looked forward to working with him. He thought for sure they'd be partners by now. They were supposed to be fighting alongside each other, not against each other again! Siegfried cursed himself for overestimating Smart – of course he was too stupid to realize what a great opportunity he'd passed up! It was the most embarrassing failure of his entire career. He tried to tell himself it could have been much worse – not only because he'd escaped with his life but because no damage was done outside of exposing Dietrich; Siegfried still didn't know what he had blabbed after Smart slipped him that sleeping pill...

Well, it was over now, and the game was on again. In spite of his disappointment over losing the new partner he'd planned on getting, Siegfried had to admit he was impressed with how Smart had won that round. Time for them to see who would prove to be the more convincing fake defector! Unlike Smart, he didn't need to maintain his cover indefinitely until he uncovered some secret without knowing what he was looking for; he had a clear, definite plan and only needed to evade suspicion long enough to pull it off on a date not far away.

In fact, the CONTROL Chiefs' Convention was fast-approaching; he had to make his move fast if he wanted to gain their confidence by then. Fortunately, the antiquities smuggling department was receiving a shipment tonight that CONTROL would be very interested in. Siegfried buzzed the intercom and called his secretary back in.

"_Ja_, Herr Siegfried?" Lily asked when she arrived.

Siegfried handed her back the file and a sheet of paper from his desk drawer. "Lily, my dear, you are going to go right back to your desk and call this number. When Maxwell Smart answers, you tell him you want to make an anonymous tip that KAOS has a shipment of stolen antiques arriving tonight, and then give him the time and address."

Lily nodded wordlessly and was about to leave when Shtarker had to jump in: "But, Siegfried, if they find our warehouse, what about..."

"Shtarker," Siegfried said through clenched teeth. "Zis is KAOS – ve don't question here!"

"Oh, right – I forgot. Sorry."

Siegfried nodded at Lily to leave and poured himself another desperately-needed glass of wine. He had never imagined any human being could be as frustrating as his new henchman. Every word that came out of his mouth annoyed him! If he didn't know it would be pointless, he would have gone straight to his supervisor and begged for someone else, anyone else but this Shtarker! There wasn't one person he'd ever met or heard of in KAOS whom he wouldn't have rather worked with! Of course, none of them would have been his first choice...

So this was one more catastrophe he could blame on Maxwell Smart! Well, at least one part of his last plan had worked – he had indeed gotten a new partner... just not the one he wanted.

* * *

"_Has not one of the poets said that a noble friend is the best gift and a noble enemy the next best?"_

_~ Emeth, __**The Last Battle**__, by C.S. Lewis (1956)_


End file.
